Parents Have Closets, Too

by pinhead
originally published at 07:04PM on Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dear Frightened Child,

I had planned on eating you last night. My carving knife was sharpened and my favorite bib was freshly laundered.

Then I got a call from that cute little monster who lives across the street (in your friend Carrie’s closet) and she wanted to come over. I decided to have my dinner after she left because she always claims the best pieces for herself. So I waited and I waited. And I got hungrier and hungrier.

Just before sunrise, she finally called and apologized, saying that she had been tending to her sick mother and had lost track of the time. I could hear laughter in the background though, so I think she must be feeling better now.

Anyway, I am now way too hungry to be satisfied by a tiny morsel of flesh such as yourself. After reading that note from your loving father, I think I have a solution to both of our problems.

Tonight, make sure you sleep in your own bed. And if you hear your dad screaming like a little girl, then you’ll know he didn’t take his own advice.