The Denial of the Twinkie Addict Extroirdinare

by Saint Chuck
originally published at 08:38PM on Sunday, October 07, 2007

Okay, let me just say this right away. I’m not fat. I’m pleasantly plump. I just want to get back to my “before three kids” body. I mean, I used to be a cheerleader for Pete’s sake. I don’t work, so I might as well do a bit of excercise. I mean, it can’t be that hard to lose a couple of pounds.

Step one, find the weights. I walk through the kitchen towards the basement door, grabbing a Twinkie off the counter. Once I get to the door, I turn my body sideways and squeeze through the narrow frame. I take the stairs one at a time, grabbing the rail for support. Once I reach the bottom, I’m slightly out of breath, but that’s just my allergies. I mean, come on, I’m not that out of shape.

I rummage around for a bit, until, alas, I find the box of weights. I squat down to pick it up, only to realize that I can’t get back up (I’ve always had a bad back). I push off from the wall trying to propel my self up, only to tip straight back.

I’m not fat, I just don’t have good balance.

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Comments

  • from Batak Beatrix:

    What a sad and scary statement on American life today.

  • from Shadow:

    Poor fat people.. no, wait. I don’t pity them. If they want to get back into shape, Stop the twinkies XD

  • from Laine the Grey:

    Brilliant, I found myself laughing yet remorseful at the same time.

  • from T.F. Torrey:

    Excellent, and it works for so many more areas than just losing weight and Twinkies.

  • from Frostbite:

    Mixed emotions ftw! I liked it haha. Oh, and I’m not dead!!

  • from Insert Pen Name Here :

    ha! I like this!

  • from Kermitgorf:

    I love all the excusses LOL allergies, bad back,

  • from Lone Writer:

    LOL . That’s sooo funny!