While on the subject of “funnies.” Here’s my contribution:

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant: Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press
If you are a manic depressive: It doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.