My..Ours? [Dialogue Challenge]

by undone
originally published at 08:05PM on Tuesday, November 27, 2007 mature

“Do you hate me?”
“No. Why?”
“No reason.”
“Haha. You’re so weird that you crack me up.”
“Umm..ok?”
“So, did your mom and dad get here already?”
“Oh, they are jus-”
“I can’t believe this! My boyfriend isn’t here yet!”
“I bet he’s just busy. Wait a minute, I never met him before. Are you finally letting me see your wonderful boyfriend?”
“I told him to come, so he should be coming, but if he doesn’t come then I’m sorry, Jenny.”
“It’s ok, I really don’t min-”
“Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that I am deeply in love with him. When I first saw him, I didn’t even think that I would even get to date him, but guess what? I actually…did it with him! Can you believe it? I mean, I think I’m really really in love wit-”
“Jenny? Jeennny? Are you listeni-”
....
“Didn’t think that you’d die because of a fork, eh?”
”...aaa..jjjenny”
“Remember this, Katie. Your boyfriend, I mean my father, is never going to see you again.
Do you hate me now?
Because I hate you.”
“Jenny, darling?”

“aac.......

“Yes, daddy! Coming!”

Sequels

Comments

  • from SocccerISmyLIFE:

    umm I’m kinda confused. I can’t tell which persons which because of all the lines switching but I guess thats dialogue! Your plot twist at the end was nice though. I got the basic story.

  • from undone:

    hey, all I can say is that I tried.

  • from Nick:

    It is difficult to figure out who is talking after the two-thirds mark, but the basic idea gets across and it is a good one. Congrats!

  • from uselessness:

    Yes, the speakers are tough to keep track of, without much continuity in the conversation. This story could benefit from a technique used in old radio dramas, that is, to show by telling. Your characters can paint a picture by describing where they are and what is happening. In this case, they should mention what it is people are arriving at (a party?) and the girl being murdered should probably say something about the fork coming at her. Still, great twist! Thanks for entering my challenge!