Swallow (uselessness's SHOCKING DIALOGUES Challenge!)

by Melia
originally published at 11:03AM on Saturday, December 01, 2007

“Hello??

“S-S-Stay with me. Stop….stammering. Stop stammering. I forgot. I forgot where I put it. I can’t remember where I put it.”

“James is that you? What’s going on? Where are you?”

“Swallow? Swallow.”

“No! Don’t swallow whatever it is. Please!”

“Stop stammering. Stop stammering. I uh – I…”

“Dammit! You’re not making any sense.?

“It kinda. It kinda went like this. R-razor blade.”

“Oh god…. What are you doing with a razor blade? What the hell is going on?”

“Stay with me.”

“I will. I’m coming. Don’t take anything else. You’re scaring me. Will you please tell me what you’ve taken??

“I uh.. I uh.. I can’t remember…?

“Jesus. You can’t remember? You should get up and walk around. Can you do that for me??

“Stay with me. Stay with… me.?

“I will. You know I will.?

“Stop… got to… stop.?

“Oh James what have you done… hold on, just hold on. I’ve just pulled up outside.?

“I uh… I uh… I…?

“What was that crash? James? James? Are you still there? James answer me. James? Hello? Hello…? Oh God.”

Sequels

Comments

  • from someday_93:

    Hmm…great dialog…but I wasn’t sure where the shocking twist came in. I suppose the whole thing was rather shocking…Nice writing!
    LoA

  • from Melia:

    Yeah I fell down a bit on the twist part of the challenge (this is the first challenge I’ve tried :) ) but I figured the situation itself was semi-shocking. Then again, I’m no M. Knight :) Fun challenge anyway though.

  • from Tad Winslow:

    Your dialogue is convincing. As I read I felt like it was two people talking and not just one person writing. This is a great little story. Continue, I’d like to read the outcome.

  • from THX 0477:

    Your first challenge? Well, whether or not you followed the specifics with a twist ending or not, the result is a well written and compelling ficlet. Great job!

    LoA

  • from uselessness:

    This story is utterly chilling. I am a little confused about exactly what happened… the stammerer was suicidal (and his friend half-expected this day would come) but before he is able to take his own life, he’s killed in a car crash? Is that right? It’s certainly a surprising twist, but it feels very incongruent with the tone leading up to it. Maybe the transition could be smoothed out a bit? Still, excellent writing—you did a great job. Thanks for entering my challenge!

  • from Melia:

    Basically, the story is that James is very high, and suicidal. His side of the convo is incoherent rambling with only little hints to his friend of what’s really going on – he’s taken a lot of pills and is basically fading out. His friend who got is rushing to get to him and save him, but he’s too late. The crash is James falling and breaking something, meaning he’s passed out and close to death before his friend makes it to him. But damn, the car crash idea WOULD have been a great twist for this challenge.