Lost At Sea (feedback urgently needed)

by lost_at_sea
originally published at 08:28PM on Friday, February 01, 2008

Welcome to Lost at Sea, _.
We are located on a tiny island in the deep blue _Ocean,
Unnoticed by those of prominence.
But oh, what a pleasure to be at Lost at Sea!
We wander and roam and drift
Searching for something of fulfillment,
Something to make us worthy of praise.
Visit our Reflection Pond; seek your identity.
Indulge in weekly roaming sessions
In the great land of Yourself.
Enjoy an evening of soul searching.
Attempt to find yourself.
But there’s one catch.
Once you enter Lost at Sea,
You may never leave.

Prequels

Sequels

Comments

  • from lost_at_sea:

    I’d really like to hear some feedback on this poem before I submit it to a literary magazine. I know it needs editing, but I’d like some suggestions on it. Please tell me if you think this is good or not. Thank you!

    By the way, the underscores near the beginning should be longer…like large blanks.

  • from Bartimaeus:

    i love it the way it is. But I can’t tell people what they have to add to their writing or what they need to correct in it, besides grammar. In my eyes, it’s their art and their expression of feeling, you can’t correct someone’s style of art.

  • from Storykeeper of Fae:

    I have to love the metaphors, but to me it sounds a little like an info-mercial. Is that what you were aiming for?
    LoA

  • from Mistress Elsha Hawk:

    It sort of reads as a brochure for a trip, inticing the reader to visit. But the use of the word “we” in “we wander and roam and drift” suggests a narrative. Then it ends with the haunting line “you will never leave” which detracts from the clever brochure ploy. I’m not sure if it is supposed to be persuasive or philosophical. It is a fascinating piece, thought provoking, but I’m confused whom your audience might be. I get the tongue-in-cheek aspect, but find it eerie.

  • from lost_at_sea:

    Yes,I was trying to get at that. I think that the infomercial vibe sort of adds a certain irony or sarcastic tone to the poem. I’m not sure why I had it that way, but it just came out like that when I sat down to write it!

  • from lost_at_sea:

    hmm…any suggestions on how to end the piece to make it less eerie?