by Valley Fey/Pinprick
originally published at 10:21PM on Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sure enough, I’ve only just moved toward the dressing rooms with the dress when a mall cop rolls in a modded segway. No one walks anymore, it’s too much effort. They prefer to roll around whenever they can, then work out for 4 hours in home gyms. People got dumber over the years, I swear. So, anyway, he rolls on up on his wannabe scooter and shoots over to the desk.Salesmonkey nods, clenching her hands in absolute terror. It’s so ridiculous, it’s all I can do not to laugh while I open a dressing room door and step in to try on the dress.

A few minutes later, I decide to buy it and step out in my normal clothes. The mall cop, the salesfreak, and the girls are all still there, but I don’t see Alphonse. The mall cop advances. “Is that all you took in there, miss?” he growls at me. His eyebrows are all bunched, and he looks really pissed.

“Umm… yeah, what’s wrong?” I ask, more than a little annoyed.

“Those girls said it looked like you stole something, we don’t take shoplifting lightly here.” I nod.