I stand there, letting her slap me, letting her knock me to the ground, until the cop shows up. She’s kicking me in the stomach, and I’m curled on my side, refusing to fight back. The cop hoists me up. “What the hell is going on here?” He shouts at us.

“Sh-she attacked me!” the girl shrieks, shivering for effect.

“Come on, man, I’m 20 years old. I’m not about to hit a fetus!” I don’t yell, I try to remain calm, but my tone is frantic. There’s not a mark on her, but my lip is bleeding and I’m bruised pretty much everywhere. Pale skin does have its advantages, who knew?

The cop slaps handcuffs on me. Wait. What? The girl is sobbing, wringing her hands. “What are you doing? She beat the living snot out of me!” I can’t contain my voice anymore. “Amber left because I came back in to tell them to leave me alone! She didn’t see it, but I didn’t fight her at all!” I stand still, careful not to make him taser me or something (Yeah, they still have those). “She’s not even bruised, look at me.”

The cop just laughs.