Maybe I Should Have Been More Specific

by Howie Amourscow
originally published at 12:09AM on Tuesday, May 29, 2007

“And then what happened, O Great, Glorious Master of All?” Dr. Xyllioaxthes said.

“You bloody well know what happened,” I replied testily. “I knew I had the power to rule the world, I just didn’t know which one.”

“O Supreme One Beyond Comparison,” the foot-tall merple burbled, “you have lost me, your most humble servant-”

“Knock it off,” I snarled. Dr. X. closed his left mouth and lowered his dorsal tentacles in humility while emitting an odor that reminded me of lemon Pledge.

“Your world is a tiny planet near a star my people call Eta Scuti,” I said, but Dr. X. was flapping his pseudopods and turning lilac in confusion. “A planet is… never mind. Point is, after ending up in several jails and mental hospitals, I realized the world I had the power to rule was this one. Which is probably why someone threw that damn ring away in the first place.”

“And we are so vlumioxinous you came to lead us, O Mighty Superlative Being Who Makes Even the Gods soil their own gkankos-“

“Oh, can it.”