The Fall of an Infamous Pirate

by Mask By The Moon
originally published at 12:18PM on Monday, June 25, 2007

“Don’t hurt me, masters!” screamed Evangeline Malander, worldly infamous pirate. Her peridot eyes showed true sorrow as she begged for mercy from her leaders in the underground. She was on her knees. Her chestnut hair which was usually in a ponytail fell around her face, since her masters had gotten her up in the middle of the night for no reason that she could figure out.

“I don’t even know what I’ve done!” she was crying. Her desperate voice was shaking with sobs. This was odd and so very different from the voice she was known for. The strong, seductive voice could move mountains if she tried hard enough. But it was as if that side of Evangeline had never existed. One of her masters smirked grimly.

“You know exactly what you’ve done.” And it was true. If she wasn’t having a breakdown, she’d know why she was here. But she was having a breakdown, therefore she didn’t know why she was here. Still sobbing, she looked up.

“No, I don’t!” she screamed through sobs. “I don’t know! Tell me!”

Prequels

Sequels

Comments

  • from khepa:

    gripping…

  • from Howie Amourscow:

    Great job. For “constructive criticism” purposes:
    1) You have “Evangeline” spelled with an extra “g” in paragraph 2.
    2) In paragraph 1: “on the underground” suggests a place, “in the underground” would refer to a secret organization; I suspect you mean the latter, but I’m not sure.
    3) A friend once advised me to “watch my thats.” You seem to have a similar issue. “That” is often overused and can frequently be left out (this often improves flow). I think you have a few you might get rid of.
    Keep writing!

  • from Mask By The Moon:

    Dangit… typos for the first one…. time to edit…

  • from Mask By The Moon:

    it’s fixed…. I think.

  • from Howie Amourscow:

    Looking back at your piece again, I think it’s only the “that” in the last sentence of the first paragraph. It can go. But it’s the only one, I think. Sorry. My brain must have straying.
    4) “she was literally on her knees.” Capitalize the “s,” consider striking “literally” (it’s an overused word that doesn’t mean anything in your sentence), and consider merging it with the sentence that follows it.
    Hope that helps! And if it doesn’t, remember: I’m just some jerk on the internet who you can ignore! :)

  • from Howie Amourscow:

    Looks like you already fixed the “s.” The wonders of the interwebs!

  • from Mask By The Moon:

    Yeah, but there goes my nirvana. WAH ! lol just kidding.

  • from Howie Amourscow:

    :)
    The way the bean-counter works, you can hit nirvana with well-placed bold/italic formatting. Maybe someone should see if they can achieve nirvana with a one-sentence ficlet.

  • from KazeTenshi:

    I really loved this passage. It’s sad, intense, but also beautiful in it’s own way. It’s a nice piece for sequels or prequels too ;)

  • from Mask By The Moon:

    I’ll do the one sentence ficlet!