Dear God,

What’s up? Other than you, I mean. You never answer my calls anymore. By the way, have you even bothered to open any of my gifts? You really should try the new gadgets your creations are making.

Speaking of them (the reason for my letter), do you remember when I mentioned that the whole “free will” thing could go awry? Well, yeah it’s a mess down here. On Earth. Not down here, down here. I keep mine under strict control; that whole lake of fire- you get the idea.

Anyway, I realize it’s too late to rethink things but how about a nice flood. Yeah, already been done. But, I can only tempt so many. About the time I think I’ve found one to inflict total annihilation, someone comes along and does “the right thing.” I’m getting annoyed.

I’ve tried Hitler, Hussein, and even a few unknowns (and there are a lot of them.) How about some help. I used to be your right hand man, remember?

Your old pal,

Scratch

P.S. Here are a few letters I intercepted. Thanks for taking the blame. Appreciate that.