Houston We Have a Problem (American Idol Style)

by thebetweenspace
originally published at 03:33PM on Friday, April 18, 2008

Her voice was electric. The audience connected, captivated by every note she belted out. Her range was uncanny, the vocal runs brilliant. No one could have given a better rendition of “I Will Always Love You.”

With a sharp, distinct flurry she finished the song, looked into the judges’ eyes and waited.

“Yo.” Randy Jackson fumbled for the right words, waiting for the cheers to die down. “All right, all right, you know what?” he paused momentarily to cringe. “I sort of felt it, but you know. It was kinda pitchy in a few places. I don’t know. It was good, but not your best performance.”

Paula smiled, looking a bit too dreamy. “Look, you’re beautiful. You just look so great up there.” Paula smiled. “Did you have fun?”

She nodded.

“You’re a star already. But, I think the song was just a little too big for you.”

Simon glared at the camera showing genuine sardonic disdain. “Look, Whitney. That was like going to the circus and watching the trapeze performer crash to the ground, only there was no net.”

Prequels

Comments

  • from BARomero:

    Ouch, Simon! Is that what happened this year? I haven’t been watching.

  • from ♠Ana Cristina♥:

    Oh my God, if I have to hear one of the judges say “pitchy” one more time, I’m throwing my TV out the window! You’ve perfectly captured them here, and great last line.
    LoA

  • from ♠Ana Cristina♥:

    Oh, I just realized by looking at your tags that this is meant to be Whitney Houston trying out for American Idol, sort of a hilarious “What if…?” kind of thing. Like BARomero, I was left wondering, did I miss that episode?

  • from thebetweenspace:

    Yes, I put Houston in the title and saved Whitney for the very end, but figured the mystery would be settled by the tags.

    Totally, a what if Whitney Houston tried out for Idol story. (Because every time a contestant sings Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey or Celene Dion the judges castigate them for it).

    So, I thought what if one of those performers was being judged while singing one of their own songs. :)

  • from ♠Ana Cristina♥:

    They’d probably be ripped to shreds. Just once I’d like to hear one of the judges sing, especially Simon. But can you imagine Randy?

    “Yo. All right, all right, you know what? I’m kinda thinking… This is pretty pitchy… Yo.”

    I mean, the guy has like five stock phrases. My old Teddy Ruxpin doll had more range than he does.

  • from Apostrophe :

    lol ana thats funny about teddy Ruxpin.. I like this story.. You totally captured the essence that is american idol. Especially Randy and Paula. I could almost hear Simons brittish accent.. I wonder what they would say if Amy lee from Evanesence auditioned. She has one of the most beautiful voices in existence. Far better than Mariah or Whitney. Imho

  • from thebetweenspace:

    LOL about the Teddy Ruxpin comment! I think Randy (and not for any racial stereotyping reasons to be clear) could be a rapper. I mean, Li’l John has more range than him. What!? Okay!!! (Or is that just Chappelle’s impersonation of him?)

    And, Celestic, I also love Evanescence. Amy Lee is absolutely brilliant.

  • from Kermitgorf:

    Haha you captured each of them spot on. Paula rather than look dreamy looks high. Simon .. love the trapeze line.. lol and Dawg I’m feeling this send of of Modern pop culture. What no Seacrest? Out.
    LoA

  • from thebetweenspace:

    I really wanted to get a Seacrest Out, but the character limit put an end to that. Maybe a sequel can finish the scene?

  • from BARomero:

    Ah! That it was Whitney Houston slipped by me on the first read-through. A great sequel for this might be her exit interview and reaction in the confessionals….