again, you need to clean this up with capitols and periods and such, but you used good imagery here.. one line that caught my eye was:
”..in an as yet silent dance of death.”
good use of personification.. i think? oh i can’t use english terms. but anyway, i still like that line.
=]

I would agree with OTOC …but on this one, even if it was accidental or not, I think the lack of periods and overuse of commas gave this a fervent, almost poetic feel. It made me feel scared for the narrator, and it gives the whole ficlet an urgent pace.

woe wow this is amazing, i don’t care about grammer, but maybe it’s becuase i have bad grammer too haha look at my poem! like picking the petals off a rose, comment please :)