Again, another difficult submission. Hope it came out good, gimme some critique, guys. I don’t know why I’m so OCD about Ficlet Nirvana, but this one took forever to fit right. I’ve read it so many times now, I’m not sure if the moves are clear, or if the fight’s fast-paced and seamless like it is in my head.

Overall I like it. I see your issue though, for some reason it reads slower than the action. Not exactly sure why.
The action is definitely clear. I can see the moves, but it’s not quite as frenetic as some of your others have been. You’d need a much better writer than I to tell you why exactly.
I also think “and his suit was ruined,” feels forced. Probably a victim of nirvana, or even fitting it in the allotted space?
A very fun read, with some great descriptions. Love the “claws raked the air” part.

A great piece but as John said… it doesn’t read as “fast paced” as your other fight scenes.

Yeah, like I said…this was hard. I might have to do a rewrite on it. Just wipe it clean and start over from scratch. After I wrote WAY too much, I was frantic to keep some bits, and eager to get rid of others. I’ll probably take another look at this entry tonight.

Okay, here’s a total rewrite on this ficlet. I published the original as a sequel to this rewrite, so it’s still there. They both accomplish the same things, just this one focuses a whole lot more on the action.

I do like this one better, though I didn’t really dislike the other. Quite a bit more action in this though.

I like this. However, I think the reason it feels a little slow is because it’s more descriptive. In earlier action posts, there were one-word shots of action. Here, you’re explaining more. What was “duck” is now “I ducked fast.”

Make sense?

Yeah, I see what you’re getting at, Brownie. Somewhere I’ve gotten a little bit more descriptive. Not much, but just enough to slow down the pace.