This one, I like. Not quite sure how it fits in, but I like it for itself.

I like how you added this in. It reminds me of William Goldman’s THE PRINCESS BRIDES , the parts with the boy and his grandfather (in the original book, it’s Goldman as a boy and HIS father), and I like how you put it alongside the main narrative, rather than into it. It gives the reader the choice to either read the story, or pop over here for perspective. I hope you toss a few more of these in along the way as you go on, even if it makes the story sorta weblike…