I like what you’re trying to say but I can’t feel any emotion for such a shocking possibility.

It's almost as if you're making a news report.

I think maybe a little more description, something to give a sense of <strong>being</strong> there, would help give this scene the sadness it needs and draw the reader in.

S.J.

hmm i have no idea why that comment is going off the page…. the bit that is missing should be..

would help draw the reader into the scene

I believe.

S.J.

I really didn’t put much thought into this…. I’ve been braindead over the past few days.