The monkeys told me I’d find you here and naturally they were right. These days I find the monkeys are almost always right and the polar bears are usually wrong.

But it wasn’t always like this. Before the polar bears were the only ones I could trust. They would give me their input and opinions and I could count on them. But then they hooked up with the tigers and everyone knows that you can never rely on a tiger.

But I digress. You are here to talk about my husband being shot 17 times in the back. As I told you before, I had no idea that Jay Leno could shoot bullets from his eyes out of the TV. I mean I saw him do it and it was pretty darn scary. And my husband never did a darn thing to Jay Leno.

I called the police as soon as it happened and they came out right away. But it was just too late. They acted like they didn’t believe me at all when I told them what had happened.

I mean, why would I make that up? To make up something like that I would have to be crazy, wouldn’t I?